Crushing it

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We hear you’re having a ruff time. What exactly seems to be the problem?

Ok,

there are two guys… one I’ve like since 2011 and one I’ve only started liking this year.

2011 guy will here on be named… um… 2011, and the other one can be… Salty.

2011 has been, maybe, the biggest crush I’ve had in my life. Possibly the longest, too. And although we used to talk back when I first started liking him, I get really nervous around him which makes me say things even stupider than the things I normally say.
Anyway, Salty and I only really started talking this year, which was when I started to like him.

You know what sucks? I might have actually found a guy who may be interested in me back, and I can’t stop thinking about 2011.

But I’m going ahead with Salty anyway, and have decided to tell him how I feel when we have a moment alone.

Any ideas or insights?

From, 2011/Salty?

Dear 2011/Salty,

My idea-slash-insight is to commend you for doing exactly the right thing and trying it out with Salty. Its really common for crushes to become like habits, mental directions for your mind to go in because its used to it. So you might still have a huge gigantic crush on 2011; or you might still be thinking about him just because you’re so USED to thinking about him. Plus, he is kind of like a cushion—its got to be a little scary deciding to tell Salty how you feel, so you question whether you should do it by saying ‘but really I like 2011.’ But that is normal! Don’t give in to the questioning!

Instead, gird your loins, pull up your socks, and let Salty love ring. This is the only way you’ll really know how you feel about either Salty or 2011.

(Incidentally, it’s also the only way you’ll find out how 2011 feels: since nothing has happened with him in the past two years, he’s either really shy or not interested in you ThatWay. Seeing you date someone else is the only thing that might jolt him out of both of those conditions.)
(But that is not the reason to do it. That’s more of, like, a side salad.)

^^^^^

Dr. J,
so there’s this guy, who I have fallen for. majorly! there is one issue though… he doesn’t go to my school or even live in my city! He did for awhile and then he moved (this happened last year). We had some pretty good conversations and had a ton of fun with our mutual friends at school, then he moved and now we talk on im and email, and he was always really shy around me when he was here, but he talks a lot more on im and we’ve started flirting, and he hinted that he liked me, which put me over the top because he’s so nice and smart! BUT (why does there always have to be one of these??) it is very likely we will never see each other again, and now I am totally crushing on him which is bad because he is unattainable, but I can’t seem to stop!!! this does not make le love life in the present look very good for me, and also he doesn’t know that I like him and I have been kind of avoiding him on im because I don’t know how to tell him, or if I even should, and it’s turning into a problem because I think he’s getting hurt by my not talking to him and I am too! Please don your sparkly shoes and come to my rescue with le advice major!!

Confused girl

Dear Confused girl,

There’s a reason superheroes don masks and its not just to hide their shame at wearing their undies on the outside or to protect their families from retaliation by Bad Guys. No, it’s because having something to hide behind makes it easier for them to be bold and daring.

IM and texting work that way for a lot of people too. It lets them develop a superpersona that is more courageous than their actual one, and say things that they couldn’t say face to face. That makes efriendships very compelling, but it also makes them dangerous. Because they aren’t necessarily based in reality, they are often better than reality. And because what happens on the web doesn’t stay on the web. As you’ve noticed, it crawls into your brain and sets up a cute apartment there and takes more and more of your time until the majority of your thoughts are with your epal, rather than with your real pals, with email instead of with real males.

Efriendships—and ecrushes—can become addictive. Which means weaning yourself from one can be hard. But you owe it to yourself—and your misterE pal—to do it.

The best way is to pull away from him as you have done. I know its super hard, but its probably the best thing. If you want to give him an explanation you could say, “Talking to you is TOO fun but I need to start spending more time with my friends from school which means less time on line. I’ll miss you!” and then rigorously limit yourself to like one IM a week if that, filling the rest of your time with Real World Fun. And possibly a Real World Supercrush. (One who wears his underwear inside.)

^^^^^

Be slurptacular!

airkisses,
Dr. J

Need Advice? Mail your questions for publication to advice@michelejaffe.com. The doctor can't promise to answer them all, but she'll do her best. (By sending a question you grant permission to have it appear here. Letters may be edited. Advice is for entertainment purposes only. No blaming us later okay? Okay.)

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