Telling it Flat Out

manatee24Dear Dr. J
So, I have never really thought too much about my body. I mean I am not ugly but last weekend at sleepover one of my best friends kept teasing me about my chest. I am almost fourteen and I am VERY flat chested. Like no chest at all. Then all my friends made fun of me and said I would have a boyfriend if I had a chest. I have to admit I do develop slower than all of my friends. I really do wish I had a bigger chest but it seems impossible. I do want a boyfriend and my friends convince me I don’t have one because of my chest. What should I do?

Tired of being flat chested

Dear Tired,

What should you do? You should go to your friends and say HA! And also HA with HA icing. Because the big secret that no one wants you to know is:
having no boobs isn’t a dire curse; it’s a total blessing.

What? Have I been hitting the crazy sauce? Snacking on insanewiches?

First of all, many of the best things in life are flat, for example flat bread (aka pizza), flat screen TV and flattery. Plus as I can attest from personal experience—my boobs are so small I can buy bras in the BOYS section at Target. Well, ok, not really but practically—there are some serious advantages to being flat chested including:

Perky-boob longevity
Not having to wear a bra unless you want one
Having designer clothes fit well
Knowing that when people show an interest in you, they’re grooving on what you’ve got going on above the neck, not below.

Many of my curvier friends struggle with insecurity about whether people are dating them or their breasts. A primary reason for that is because of exactly the kinds of things your friends are saying to you: telling you that you don’t have a boyfriend because you don’t have boosoomas shows that they have already internalized the message that they are only attractive because of their cleavage. This. Is. TRAGICOXTREME! It shows that their self esteem has been nibbled away by the self esteem rats, and they are willing to settle for dating someone whose only interest is in their body. I weep for them.

(Okay, done weeping. Back to you!)

Apart from being slightly pitiable and probably requiring a lot of therapy when they grow up, your pals are also completely wrong: not having boobs does NOT keep you from having boyfriends; not having boobs keeps you from having LOOSER boyfriends.

Unless all you are after is a physical relationship—which I suspect isn’t the case because you said you want a boyfriend not a boytoy—why would you want to be with someone who only noticed you because of your lady lumps? Would you date or not date a guy because of the size of his penis?
Right. Le not.

What your friends are also implying is that they wait for people to get interested in them, and then they date. Which is an excellent tactic if you want a dull life or enjoy dating from the species jerkapotomous. But why would you? So in addition to saying HA to your friends, do this: look around for someone YOU might be interested in. Start talking to that person as a friend. And see what happens.

Above all, remember this true fact: the best way to win cool friends and influence people is with your BeDazzling personality, not your B-cup.


Dear Dr. Jaffe,

A few months ago my friends were freaking out because they thought I was still hung up over my old boyfriend. They started telling me I needed to go out and meet some new guys. I know they were just worried about me and trying to be helpful but they would bring it up anytime we went out together. I finally just got fed up one night and told them I couldn’t meet their guys because I was already seeing someone.

That shut them up. For about 5 minutes. Then they wanted to know how long we’d been going out, why they hadn’t met him and what his name was. I panicked inwardly, but then told them the name of this guy I used to know who I knew that they didn’t know. Then I gave them the slightest bit of information like that he was really nice and changed the subject. And it worked.

I was thrilled that I could finally just be single and not worry about it. Only I wasn’t for long because everynight we went out or stayed in they’d ask me how things we’re going. I started to feel more and more guilty about lying to them. And more and more pathetic because the guy existed but he didn’t exist in the role I had placed him in. Finally, fed up with it all, I told them things weren’t going so well. Every night after that I said things that were going wrong between us until I finally said that we had broken up. I was back to where I had started, but at least I wasn’t guilty anymore.

The only problem was that I was ready to date again. And even worse, I started running into the guy whose name I’d used for my “boyfriend” and started developing feelings for him. I’m totally confused right now because I think he likes me too. He keeps asking me out and it just feels so wrong because I feel like I’d be lying to my friends again. I feel like I should come clean with my friends but I have no idea how I would go about doing so. Also, I’m freaked how they will respond to the idea of Guy-Whose-Name-I-Used-But-Never-Actually-Went-Out-With and me starting a relationship. That is if I actually ever accept his offer to go out.

I’m totally lost. Should I go out with him and see how things go before I tell my friends about him? Or should I just come clean with my friends from the getgo. And if so how?

Help REALLY appreciated,

I dug my own grave and now I’m being buried in it

Dear I dug,

Don’t worry, there’s an easy way out of this. Yes!

Step 1: Tell your friends to pay a visit to Mind Their Own Business Island when it comes to your love life. You should never feel pressured to do anything because of your friends. I know that might sound hard rather than easy, but if you are like “You guys! Don’t you have love lives of your own to worry about? I’m putting up a NO TRESPASSING sign around mine,” and then, no matter what they do, refuse to talk about it unless you want to.

Step 2: Say yes yes a thousand times yes when Guy-whose-name-you-used-who-you-now-like asks you out. Do not tell your friends.

Step 3: See if you even like him. There’s a chance that you only like him because of the “relationship” you constructed in your mind and what that was like, not because of how he really is in realityville.

Step 4: If it turns out you DO like him, either tell him about how you used his name (for example by saying “It was the first name I thought of….but clearly you were on my mind” with some serious eyelash batting) and have him play along; or tell him and then tell your friends, explaining they left you no choice and you hope they learned their lesson and also HA. Plus HA HA HA.

Step 5: Enjoy!

Step 6 (optional): Write the whole thing up as a screenplay and sell it for a zillion dollars.

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