Why do I like what(ever guy)I can’t have?

love mirrorHi Dr. J,

So, I’m 15 and at the beginning of the school year I joined this band. I’m the youngest member and from the start I had this huge crush on one of my band mates, who is about three years older than me, which means too old for me to date now. Realizing that there was no chance of me being with him, I asked another guy to our school dance specifically because I considered him neutral. But we hit it off, to the point where my best friend was like, “so, you’ve given up on Band Guy?” And all I could say was, “I don’t know.” Now I am confused. Nothing can happen with Band Guy, but if anything were to happen with the other guy, I would feel guilty because the whole time I would know that I really wanted to be with someone else. I don’t want to lose either friendship, because both people are important to me.

Baby of the Band

Dear BandBaby,

What I recommend is that you don’t date anyone and wait three years for Band Guy, sanctifying your love through your heart wrenching suffering.

I think you already know the right answer but I’ll just say it anyway: You need to take Band Guy off your active list of people you have a crush on, since as you say it can’t go anywhere (legal), and date someone else. Someone like…Other Guy. Band Guy will be there later, if you’re still interested, and in three years you will have learned a lot more about how to have a strong and stable and cool relationship.

But to be honest, I’m betting your feelings for him will wane. I know I sound like a cruel and heartless zombie in the guise of a human, but it is natural to fall for someone when you spend a lot of time with them, especially if they are nice and talented. And it is also natural for those feelings to dissipate after awhile, especially if you really give yourself over to a new relationship.

Like I am hypnotizing you to do@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


I really don’t know what’s wrong with me because when boys ask me out I don’t like them, and when they finally give up on me and ask one of my friends out I suddenly fall in love with them! – and then I feel really guilty!! Is there something wrong with me? Please help!!
Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Dear Looking,

Know what is wrong with you? Nothing! I’d guess that you aren’t interested in the guy and just enjoy the thrill of being crushed-on, so when that’s taken away you miss it. That’s normal, especially if you recognize it and don’t go around stealing your friends’ boyfriends then dumping them a week later, shattered shells of their former selves.
But there are three other explanations you should consider:

1. You’re scared of being intimate so you only like boys who are taken, guaranteeing you won’t have to have a relationship.

2. You really do like these guys but are afraid to admit it to yourself and only realize it when you feel the hole in your heart where their love should be.

3. They smell bad close up but when they’re away with someone else you forget so they seem better.

Think it’s one of these? Try this: say ‘yes’ next time you’re asked out; if you enjoy it, whoopee! If not, write down the reasons in gruesome detail. Later, if you feel yourself re-falling for him, reread what you wrote and decide if those were legit concerns (bye bye B.O. Cowboy!) or roadblocks you were putting in the way of your own happiness.

That’s all for now, adorable minimuffins!


Dr. J

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