My BFF has gone AWOL

I recently hooked back up my best friend with her ex-boyfriend. Problem is at first I was happy for them because it had been six months of her sadness but now she spends more time with him than me. The only time she hangs out with me is whenever she is not allowed to be with him or otherwise. it seems as if she’d rather ditch me for him. What should I do? a) find a way to break them up or b) find a new best friend which i don’t want to do.. HELP!!

- Some girl who feels alone

Dear Some Girl,
The problem isn’t with the boyfriend or the relationship, it is with your friend. She’s been BoyfriendSnatched. This is a less severe version of the kind of BodySnatching that you see in movies about zombies. It happens to some girls when they get boyfriends, they go totally out of their head and instead of being themselves, become Drippy-Girlfriend versions of themselves. It is quite tragico and also not very pretty, so I completely feel for you.

How do you rescue a BoyfriendSnatched friend? You’ve got to tell her how she is making you feel. But do it in a calm and non-accusatory manner because the BoyfriendSnatched are already kind of weak (or they wouldn’t have been B-Snatched in the first place) and likely to get defensive. In other words,

DON’T SAY: “You’ve been acting like a total MORON. You think you’re so hot because you have a boyfriend but you just look stupid. I have no respect for how you are with [insulting nickname for boyfriend]. I never thought I’d see my best friend stoop so low. And remember: I got you back together—I could pull you apart. Like that, [insert finger snap] and don’t think I won’t do it.” [insert manic laughter]

DO SAY: “I’m sure you don’t mean to be doing this but I feel like we never get to spend time together any more. I think I’m having friend with drawls! It really hurts when you ditch our plans to be with [name of boyfriend]. I wish you could find a way to be with me and with him rather than canceling like that [insert finger snap] whenever he calls. Because, and I know this isn’t what you mean but still, it makes me feel like I don’t matter to you.” [insert gulp and possible tear rolling down cheek].

The key is to tell her in a non-blaming way how her actions made you feel, with the assumption that she wasn’t doing them on purpose. I suggest you write down what you want to say ahead of time and practice it in front of the mirror so that you can get the tear rolling down the cheek thing down—no, for real, so that you can say it in as calm and controlled a way as possible.


Dr. J

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