Valentines Day Blastacre!

Greetings earthlings! Its almost Valentines Day! The holiday that makes more people feel like pieces of gum stuck on the shoe of the world than any other!

Don’t worry, though, ADVICEOPOLIS IS HERE FOR YOU! Yes! To start with, I suggest some musical accompaniment. Play the video below as you read along. It is impossible not to be jolly when you hear this song (you don’t have to watch the video, I just can’t find the song all by itself):

Okay, where was I? Oh, yes! Advice! Here it is:

Dear Dr. J—

So, yeah. Its that time of year again. You know. Valentines Day. And I don’t have a Special Someone to share it with. There’s this person I have a crush on but I don’t know if Person likes me so…what should I do? How can I avoid becoming catatonically depressed?

Where’s Cupid When You Need Him?

Dear Where’s Cupid,

I am not a fan of Valentines Day because every year it seems to make more people sad than happy. And that is not a good day! But this year I got my crack team of Adviceopolis scientists to work on unraveling the truth behind why Valentines Day is such le bummer, and—because they are crack! (no, not on crack)—they figured it out! In. Deed.

So, I now present to you the eternal truth about why Valentines Day sucks.
Are you ready?


YES! You see the logic of this right? No? You say that the heart is the mascot of Valentines Day? Perhapppppppps, but would you want to, like, go dressed on Halloween as Valentines Day? No you would not. All good holidays have excellent mascots like Christmas (Santa), and when you lose a tooth (Tooth Fairy) and Easter (bunny) and St. Patricks day (Leprechaun), and Everyone Dress Like Ninjas Day (Ninja). And maybe you wouldn’t go dressed as Santa for Halloween but that is just because the costume is kind of bulky and plus, Santa is a real person (HE IS TOO!).

Anyway, my point is, without a good mascot, its hard to rally behind Valentines Day. Oh and there’s also the part where it makes most people feel like Queen Poo from Poo Planet, because even if you’re in a relationship it’s usually a one way trip to Grave Disappointmentville.

But I have a way to fix everything that is wrong with Valentines Day in one swoop. By holding a contest!

Not just any contest, but the biggest contest I have EVER HELD on this blog. And the contest: to come up with a worthy mascot for Valentines Day. The prize is a SIGNED copy of my book BAD KITTY in American English, British English, French or Swedish, (your choice) PLUS a Bad Kitty t-shirt. !!!!! And also ¡¡¡¡¡!

How does that fix anything, let alone EVERYthing? You don’t see it yet? Walk with me.

Valentines Day is for spreading love-n-cheery goodness like you’d spread Nutella all over a piece of bread (mmm nutella), right?

[insert energetic nodding]. But most people make the mistake of only giving love-n-cheery goodness to specific individuals, which would be like dumping all your Nutella on one small part of the bread.

Quel tragedy! Also what a waste! If, instead, you spread Nutella evenly all over, you get to enjoy it much longer.

So rather than focusing all your love-n-cheery on one person, say Crush, spread it over all the people you like (+ Crush). And what do you use to spread love-n-cheer?

My contest! And these three easy steps:

STEP 1: You go up to anyone you want to talk to, glance up at them through your lashes and say: “Hello Superfly Pal of Mine-slash-my superhot Crush and his/her/its friends [or you could use their names]! Happy Valentines day! I’m trying to win a contest by coming up with the best mascot for Valentine’s Day so I’m taking a survey. What do you think would be an ace mascot for this holiday? Preferably something you’d want to wear to a Halloween party. If you help me, I’ll give you a kiss.”

STEP 2: Record their answers, do some more up through the eyelash glancing and give them…a Hershey’s kiss. Ha ha ha! You have been witty AND wise (because hello, GERMS).

STEP 3: Email me your entries at
for the Valentines Day Mascot contest by February 17th and you could be my lucky winner (Also please be sure to include whether you are over or under thirteen). Winner of a book AND a t-shirt! In a variety of languages!


And EMAIL ME EMAIL ME EMAIL ME!! Together we will SAVE Valentines Day!

(If you’re not feeling Mascot Inspired, another way to Improve your Valentines day is to do what I suggested last year)

Tune in next week for more regularly scheduled advice.

And in the meantime, be le superduperfantastico!
Dr. J

Need Advice? Mail your questions for publication to The doctor can't promise to answer them all, but she'll do her best. (By sending a question you grant permission to have it appear here. Letters may be edited. Advice is for entertainment purposes only. No blaming us later okay? Okay.)

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