Hi Dr. J,

I’m 22 years old and I’ve never been kissed. There had been guys who would have kissed me when I was younger, but none of them was The Guy I wanted my fist kiss to be with. So I went through my teenaged years telling myself that it was okay to wait, the guy would come. But I’m starting to think that, I don’t know, maybe I put this First Kiss experience in such a high pedestal that when it happens, if ever, I will just be disappointed, and it’s a little scary.
And I don’t know what to do about it…
At the time I thought it was for the best, but now I don’t know if waiting so long was such a good idea,

--Kissing Novice

Dear Kissing Novice,

I think you are suffering from Stage 1 First Kiss-itis, which is common in our culture because ‘superfantastic first kisses’ are a regular feature of TV shows and movies, one which is blatantly false since those people on the screen have CLEARLY kissed a ton of people. Lindsay Lohan having her first kiss in a movie? That is about as likely as me giving birth to a chocolate marshmallow bunny right now. I hate to say anything bad about movies and TV because I love them very much, but in this instance, they have been lying to us.

Anyway, as a culture we fetishize the FIRST kiss and I say it’s time for that to stop. There is nothing godlike in it. In fact, the more we heap pretend magical powers on it, the more we ensure lives of quiet desperation and disappointment, because a lot of times it sucks.

That’s my opinion and experience anyway, but I’m all about Science, so I a friend about her first kiss. She went all melty and said “it was great, I was on cloud nine.” For a sec I thought maybe I was wrong, maybe there was something in this, and then she added, “I mean, that was my first REAL kiss. I’m not counting all the ones in spin the bottle and games and stuff that came before.” And the more I asked around, the more answers like that I got.

Which was when I realized: it’s not your FIRST kiss that should be put in a frame with lacy doilies and hearts around it; it’s your first REAL kiss. Your first kiss with The One. I suggest you embrace that shift in emphasis to liberate you from being hung up on the FIRST part, recognizing that’s not where the magic is. Instead of keeping your lips in kiss prison until you find The One, you should furlough them and start kissing up a storm, left right and center, kisses you’ll likely forget but which will give you confidence (and a basis of comparison).

Then when The One enters, stage left, you grab him and kiss him for your first REAL kiss.
Just like in the movies.

***

Hi!
I’ve liked this guy since eighth grade and a few months ago he told me that he liked me back. Shortly after that we kissed, and suddenly he went all strange. He started avoiding me, and when I asked him if he still had feelings for me all he said was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I really like him so just trying to find someone else doesn’t seem right. Plus shortly after I confronted him on whether he still liked me we stopped talking for two weeks and have now gone back to talking to like we did prekiss. I don’t know if he just freaked when we kissed because he hasn’t really ever dated anyone and on top of it when he told me he liked me, he also said that part of the reason he had never spoken up about it sooner was because he has a fear of telling people how he feels. Should I just wait until he decides he is ready for a relationship, should I try talking to him about everything, or what?

–Confused After a Kiss

Dear CAK,
Because it’s Science Day here in Adviceopolis, I also performed science on your question, and took a survey of guys I know to ask what could cause this phenomenon. It sounds from their diagnosis like your fellow is suffering from Stage 2 Firstkiss-itis: Freakout! Because! Never! Done! This! Before!

Unfortunately, there’s no single cure for Stage 2 Firstkiss-itis. As my team of experts and I see it, you now have two choices: you can say to him “I really like you, and I’d love to try out the whole relationship thing again. We don’t have to move straight to kissing, we can go at whatever pace is comfortable for you. Would you be into that?” and go wherever that takes you; or you can skip the chat, decide to take him at his word that he isn’t ready for a relationship, and sashay on to the next lucky guy.

Airkisses,

Dr. J

Dear Dr. J,

I dated the same guy from age 15 to age 22. It’s over, and I’m ready to move on, but here’s the problem: The last time I had to date, I was a freshman in high school, and now I have to start from scratch as an adult, but HOW? Are there new rules? Where do the smart and funny nerd guys hang out once they graduate college? What do I say to them when I find them? Advice, please!

-How Does This Work Again?

Dear HDTWA,

Congratulations! You are about to have the FUNNEST time of your life: the time when you become a Duchess of Dating.

How? There are plenty of blogs (and even this one: in fact I’ll be reposting some Advice from the archives about flirting soon) that will give you practical advice—be confident (walk tall!), have a great smile (Crest White Strips!), go out to have fun not to meet people (laugh and the world laughs with you!), join a club where you’ll encounter like minded pals (club!)—so that’s not what I’m going to do.

Instead, I am going to share two simple philosophical concepts that will change your life. When you read them you may think, “ah how sad, Dr. J has gone loco in the coco and can no longer be trusted” (loco in the coco is a popular phrase in Adviceopolis meaning “out of her tiny mind”). When you actually begin to use them, you will see they are easy yet radical and super powerful.

Be Sincerely Single

Love being single, especially if you are a woman. Many people and most websites treat being single as some kind of weigh-station or last-month’s-magazine-strewn waiting room, a place you hang out while you’re waiting to be summoned to coupleness. I think that is Wrong with a side of Wrongchester Sauce.

Being a single female at this point in history is a unique and amazing privilege. The world is yours. You can do ANYTHING. If I believed in sinister social forces and tossed around words like “Patriarchy” in casual conversation [disclaimer: I do], I would say that the reason there is so much pressure to be in a couple is because single women are AWESOME and without a lot of social pressure telling them otherwise, no woman would give that up. Not to mention that whole industries (yes that means you, magazines and blogs that get readers by documenting which celebrities are breaking up/making up/making out) dedicated to charting relationships (as well as you, matcharmistrydotcom) which would be out of business if we weren’t focused on relationships all the time. But part of the reason for that focus is because so many go awry. Because people do them wrong. People rush into relationships looking for something that no one relationship—except possibly the relationship you have with yourself—can supply.

That is the crucial part: no one relationship. Loving being single does not mean you can’t have a life filled with romance and can’t date. To the contrary, it means you can date lots of people. It simply means you shouldn’t be dating as a way to stop being single.  Which brings us to:

Date Inclusively

A wise friend of mine, Dr. King, once described a date as “a perfect night someone plans and gift wraps for you like a present to make you both feel special,” which I think is a great definition. It highlights the most salient parts of dating: that people tend to treat both themselves and one another as better, more interesting companions when dating than when in an exclusive relationship (notice how much relationship advice goes something like “if things are stagnant, plan to go out on a “date” the way you did when you were getting to know each other! Rekindle those memories of what it was like when you first met!”). One of the best parts of being single is that you can date lots of different people, that is, get and give lots of “presents.”

Not only can you, you should. Using Science, the researchers at Advice Central Labs For Better Relationships have determined that the optimal number of people to date at once is between three and five. Any fewer and you get into a situation that limps inevitably toward conversations about how serious you want to be LONG before those conversations are warranted; any more and you won’t have time to do your work and see your friends. This is true for anyone at any age—whether you’re 13 or 300, loving being single means there is no reason to focus all your romance energy on one person. Different people are fun to do different things with: one person is great for movies, another for going to art galleries, another for going on daytrips to see the Worlds Largest Ball of [Noun]. This way you will have an optimal companion for whatever you want to do.

I’m not the only one who thinks this: researchers in other (obviously less prestigious) labs than the ones in Adviceopolis (like at places with “University” in their names) have studied the brain chemistry of individuals who are dating versus those in long term relationships, and shown that there’s a lot more of all the chemicals that make people happy, highly productive and focused in the dating brain than in the brains of people sauntering down the path of exclusive coupledom.

The only thing you must not do is play games: you must be frank with whomever you are seeing that you are not seeing them exclusively. (Which, oddly, you will discover that if you mean it when you say it, is the #1 way to get people to want to see you exclusively. Because humans are immensely strange creatures).

That’s it. That’s my life changing advice. You will encounter naysayers, people who clamor “its hard enough to meet one person to date let alone three to five!” but I assure you that is only true if they are single state haters.  If you truly embrace this two part strategy—love being single, and openly and happily date multiple people—you will have no trouble at all. The fizz of confidence and happiness you will exude will draw people to you like a supermagnet.

Try it! The only thing you have to lose is rushing into another disappointing relationship.

Airkisses,

Dr. J

I’ve decided, in honor of, er, breathing, in addition to posting brand spanking new advice, I’ll also from time to time be reposting pieces from the Got Advice archives. Today’s entry asks the question: Superhero or Superloser?

But first, time for Mind Expansion. A friend of mine (Hi Janey!) sent me this NY Times article about Man-Repelling clothes and I thought it was worth sharing while also having a few flaws (like many of my favorite people slash shoes).

Part of me wished it were longer  because I think the idea is really interesting and raises all kinds of cool issues. But the piece totally fell down in its discussion of feminism and I want to push harder on the challenge of something called “man repellant”–i.e. without even a woman in the title, so that even while eschewing the male perspective it privileges it–to be feminist. A challenge that I think was clear in the way the article couldn’t resist trying to tie this whole thing to (heterosexual) dating. You read it and see what you think.

And in the meantime, meet a Man of Mystery:

Hi Dr. J,
i have a crush on someone…i mean I’m really in love with him!! i think he knows that i like him. I asked him to hang out with me and he said he’d love to but was busy.The next day i sent him a message to hang out with me, but he never answered. You can’t even imagine how hurt i was. i ran into him and when he said “hi” i pretended not to see him and in the middle of the night he sent me a message and said he’s so sorry about before. i asked why he didn’t answer my invitation, and in his reply he lied. When i told him i knew he was lying he said “I can’t explain why I had to say no, now, but some day I will.” i’m so confussed, does he like me or not? (oooh i almost forgot…he even gave me a love song once)

–Confussed

Dear Confussed—

Ask yourself this: is there any chance that this guy is a secret super hero crime fighter?

If you answered yes, congrats! I predict an exciting future for you!

If you answered no, here’s a rule of thumb: boys who aren’t secret super hero crime fighters but who–
a) text in the middle of the night
b) are hard to pin down
c) lie and
d) say they have a ‘secret reason’ they can’t get back to you
–are either Bad News or involved with someone else or both.

I know this is going to ache, but you HAVE to convince yourself to stop liking him. It doesn’t matter how he feels about you, he’s not available, and you’re going to end up getting hurt–hurt worse than you hurt right now. Think about it: if he knows you like him, which he does, then he knows he can just keep stringing you along without risking anything. And that’s what he’s doing—toying with you because he can. Which is low and disrespectful.

The truth is, from the behavior you describe, doesn’t deserve someone as special and giving as you are. Stop replying to his messages, be polite but distant when you see him, and replace the song he gave you with a cool new mix tape. Then get on with finding someone who will treat you like the cat’s meow, not a cat toy.

Airkisses,

Dr. J

Dear Dr. J,

I have this situation at school where I feel like everybody hates me. I know why. I’m antisocial. Actually I’m becoming more social, but due all of their previous beliefs, they think I’m either some kind of stuck of snob or some kind too sweet/innocent girl without any personality. There are people I hang out with, but lately I wonder if they hate me for hanging out with them. Because they say the nastiest things about me. Every comment I make, they have to nitpick it. I’ve always assumed that was their nature. Like the teasing kind of friends that make fun of you a lot. But some of the things they say are truly hurtful and some of it is behind my back.

What is wrong with me?

Best Friendless Forever

Dear BFFless—

Do not fret! There is nothing wrong with you.  You are simply suffering from a very common condition shared by many people: a lack of vitamin R.

What is vitamin R? Without vitamin R, F-R-I-E-N-D-S become F-I-E-N-D-S. Luckily, Vitamin R deficiency is easy to fix using our two step method:

Step 1: Stop hanging out with Fiends (aka Vitamin R sucker-outers).

This is best done boom! all at once, by just not sitting with them any more. find another place to have lunch or hang out, sit somewhere else on the bus, whatever you have to do. Don’t be mean about it, but just put some distance between you and them. You might feel a little vulnerable and exposed at first, but you’ll also feel liberated because you wont always be second guessing yourself and their reaction to you.

Step 2: Increase vitamin R intake by replacing the fiends with friends (aka Vitamin R replenishers)

This is easily accomplished by finding people who share your interests. The simplest place to find them is by joining a club or volunteering for an organization that you care about or trying a new activity you’ve always wanted to try (Tennis anyone? What about drama? Knitting? Karaoke? Competitive Go Fish? If there isn’t a club that interests you at your school, you can look one up on line or consider starting one yourself). You will tap a rich vein of potential vitamin R donors and you will learn things and you’ll have something to add to your college applications (college is an excellent place to make friends) AND you’ll have tons of material for envy inducing Status Updates on Facebook. (Ha! Take that fiends!) And—best of all—you’ll be happier.

Because here is the secret of Vitamin R: it is derived from Respect—respect for yourself first of all. By protecting yourself from people who are mean to you, you’re treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Once you’ve done that, you’ll find other people treat you that way too.

Airkisses,

Dr. J