Dear Lady Priscilla and Lady Eleanor,
How late is ‘fashionably late’?
—Polly Proper
Dear Mistress Proper,
There is nothing fashionable about being late. Any amount of ‘late’ is
too late. Would you steal from a friend? Rob a business partner? Of course not.
But that is exactly what being late to an appointment or meeting is—stealing
their time. Nothing shows a lack of respect more than lateness, except perhaps
running over someone with your coach, but that is generally the coachman’s
fault. In polite society, one must always strive to arrive punctually.
Dear Lady Priscilla and Lady Eleanor,
I have read that Michele Jaffe’s newest novels are coming out in one double volume. What is the appropriate way to read a double book?
—Lady Literary
Dear Mistress Literary,
The proper way to read a double book is: Sitting Down. There are few things we
object to more than the modern practice of reading while walking or standing.
Who among us has not almost been up-ended by a young man with his nose buried
in a slim book of verse. Only consider how much worse the peril when the
book is a double one!
Dear Lady Priscilla and Lady Eleanor,
What do you think of Michele Jaffe?
—Wondering in Worcester
Dear Wondering,
We think she ought to be arrested. Have you heard what happened to poor Lady R— in Kent?
She became so absorbed reading the Lady Killer/Secret Admirer double volume, that
she forgot to feed her family, or take any nourishment herself. Only the
accidental visit of a man selling ribbons kept them from starving! Not to mention
the dual scourge of corners piled high with prowling young men whose dinner
companions were too absorbed in reading the double book to remember their
appointments, and streets crammed by young women rushing about with
Unseemly Haste to finish their errands so they may go and bury themselves once
again between its unending pages.
For which reason we heartily advocate the Laying in
of Supplies before beginning the double book. And the drawing and quartering
of Michele Jaffe. Fewer and better Michele’s is what this world needs, not
more and double. Whoever thought that doubling her was a good idea should be
locked away by their nearest and dearest where they can do no more harm.
It seems as though people in London are always stumbling over dead bodies. What should one do if one encounters a corpse?
—Tamara Timid
Dear Mistress Timid,
More important than what to do is what not to do: do not allow our nephew
Crispin or any of his cousins within two miles of the place, particularly if
you are a woman. It has been our observation that such proximity is never good
for a woman’s reputation, or her sanity. These men cannot seem to leave the house
without stumbling over a corpse, shredding some lovely woman’s good name, and
more often than not, sending a building crumbling to the ground. Half of London
is either dead or destroyed because of them and their adventures. Indeed, our
nephews and their cousins and friends are probably the greatest threat to
Civilization and decorum today.
